I'm thinking frequently about losing Pat last year and it still is hard to accept that I can't get back in touch with him. Another well-loved and much too young Stanford student died a few weeks ago, a girl named Sabrina. A lot of my friends knew her and are still grieving. Trying to take something from these experiences, I've started to feel an extra appreciation for the friends still in my life - and wanted to write some of what I've been thinking.
I felt a close connection to Pat though I realize that I hadn't spoken to him very frequently in the second half of school or post graduation. We both spoke German, were math majors, and were relatively shy guys at least in the beginning of school. I think Andrew Nielsen was the reason I spent the time I did with Pat freshman year. Before I got to know him, Pat seemed like an frustrated, somewhat angsty guy - thinking back people might have thought the same of me. Through the course of the year he seemed to relax and I can remember him playing a lot of piano in the dorm lounge. I remember wanting to stop and listen but worried about making him feel like he was performing.
After freshman year, when I saw him he seemed really much happier though in the same sarcastic kind of way. The sarcasm was what drew me to Pat I think, plus the fact that he deeply respected his friends and was quite humble despite being obviously very smart.
Sophmore and junior year I saw a lot of Pat - he came out and was therefore out more I think and also he was living with Andrew and eventually taking math classes with me or with my roommate Albert Chan. I remember celebrating his 21st birthday at a pub on Emerson. I remember Pat coming out to Andrew and me one night as we were driving around to find food. Andrew and I tried to convince him that this was great that he was coming out - that now he could tell Andrew and I which one of us was hotter, but he refused to make that call.
These memories I have of Pat at Lag and 680 are of a smiling, eager, amiable guy wanting to meet new people and have a good time while in that period of life that seems so devoted to the future. I saw the same thing that Steve saw when he said in an earlier post, "At such moments he seemed entirely happy, growing into the world, appreciating its art and laughing at its absurdity."
I wish I could trace where he went since then. I imagine he's out there somewhere in a mess of German Romantic poets and clubs. I know that people go their separate ways but I can't help thinking that I really should have stayed in touch with Pat while he was in Germany. Something about the rush of college, people, finding work, finding a place to live makes it so easy to just imagine that someday everyone will be close at hand again.
I hope the rest of you are all doing well and wish you the best,
Mike
1 comment:
Dear Mike,
I'm so encouraged by your kind words. It's difficult to write feelings like yours because they evade description. How do you label a relationship you thought would always grow? I'm struggling with the same thing. Where did he go? I just can't figure it out, but it is a huge comfort that others are asking the same question and are reviving memories of him now that a year has passed. I was particularly grateful for your story of him relaxing during his sophomore and junior year. I was always concerned about his social life. I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't know how to make it happen. You confirmed that he was amongst caring friends, especially when he came out and even if he did refuse to say which of you was hottest. Thanks for that. Every new story is like gold. You gave another precious piece of him back to me. I will always be grateful. Thank you for the lovely tribute and for setting up the blog in the first place. It helped me tremendously and will continue to do so over the years. I have learned that while Pat was lonely, it was not for lack of friends. He had wonderful people like you all over the world. Thank you for sharing your knowledge of him. I will treasure it the rest of my life.
All my love,
Lisette
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